Sometimes I just wish I wouldn’t wake up from sleep.. When I sleep, all my emotions disappear. I am no longer able to overthink things like whenever I am awake. Things seem a little more peaceful in my life. But then the moment I wake up, all my problems in life rush back, all my sadness returns, and I am forced to face reality again.
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I remember the first day I saw you. You immediately caught my eye once you walked into cultural anthropology. My first thought was that I wanted to know you. But in my head I doubted that we’d ever speak. I thought you were only going to be my eye candy in class.
I noticed that you smoked cigarettes so one day I spotted you in front of the campus center so I purposely took one out and lit up just so that you could see that I smoked too.
Who would have ever thought that a cigarette would have brought us together..
The first couple of months of getting to know each other were the best. I felt so comfortable being with, I felt like I could tell you anything. You made me feel special. You made me feel like I was the only girl in your life. You always did cute things for me like surprising me by getting me flowers and shoes whenever it was gloomy out. You brought me soup, medicine, and squeezed oranges to make orange juice whenever I was sick. You made a flower our of a cigarette filter. You made me hearts out of dollar bills.. You did these cute things that made me smile and gave me that warm feeling inside.
…how could that feeling of contentment in my life go away?… here we are now.. barely speaking. I barely see you much during the day. the most is just a hi and bye and then we go our separate ways to class.. I no longer feel like I can tell you anything anymore… I feel like you don’t really care. I wish I could tell you how I feel but I know it’s going to turn into an arguement somehow so here I am.. writing it out instead.
I wish I could trust you. I wish you could trust me. I wish trust wasn’t an issue.. I wish I still had that feeling of being someone so special to you. the feeling that I was the only girl in your heart. but after everything you’ve done, and what i’ve seen, and what i’ve found out… i dont feel loved. how could you lie to me? how could you do those things? if you loved me why would you that to me?…
do you ever get upset about how we are right now? I do.. I get upset every moment of everyday. I try and look like I’m fine whenever I’m around you but in reality, I go back to my room and cry. Do you cry? are you okay with us having this much distance? do you think about me?.. I think about you all the time. I could be studying for an exam but somehow you pop up in my mind and then i lose my focus and i just think about us.. i think about how we were before all of this.. i could be with my friends but i’m constantly looking at my phone hoping that i would see a text message from you.. but there’s nothing. i can’t seem to enjoy myself anymore… i’m just constantly thinking about you.. about what you’re doing.. thinking about whether or not i’m on your mind..
I miss our park dates.. and trips to the waterfront. i miss your cute surprises that show me that you care.. I miss your phone calls in the morning whenever you would wake me up. and when we’d fall asleep on the phone together at night… I miss getting a text message from you continuously rather than waiting 30min to an hr for a one word answer.. I miss our sleepovers all the time.. i miss being the first and last person you’d talk and think about..
All I want right now is to be in your arms.. I want to lay close to you.. where my head finds its spot on your chest… Being there feels like home.. I feel like I belong there. In that moment I would feel as if I could wake up to your face everyday for the rest of my life. I don’t know why but that’s how I feel sometimes. I want to lay in your arms and know that you love me, and only me. I want to know that you are happy being with me. I want to know that you would not want to be with anyone else but me.
I’m sorry for my wrongs.. I’m sorry for everything that upset you..
I hope that some day we’ll find trust in each other and be able to work through things. I hope that there will be no lies and secrets. I hope that one day we’ll be comfortable with one another and won’t think negative things about each other. I hope that no one will come between us. I hope that our pasts will be left behind once and for all. I hope one day we’ll get back to how we used to be. I hope that one day it will be just you and me, always and forever…
I don’t know if you’d ever see this.. probably not.. but I wish you would so that you would know how I feel.
I’m currently filled with mixed emotions… I’m feeling upset, unloved, worthless, frustrated.. the adjectives could go on. What did I ever do to deserve to feel this way so often? I don’t think that I’m a bad person so why must I have this feeling of emptiness. I feel as if no one understands me… no body wants to understand me. nothing i say or do makes a difference.. so what is the point of this life? why am I here if I’m always going to be unhappy. No matter what I do, i will never be right… i will only be viewed by everything that i do wrong.. i will never be good enough.. for anybody.. not even myself…
I don’t understand why and how things turned out the way they did. Everything seemed so perfect in the beginning. A couple months ago I was so happy. Everything felt so right. Lately everything in my life has been falling apart, my grades are so bad in school and I feel as if I’m drifting away from my friends.. family.. and especially my boyfriend. All I seem to do lately is cry. I can’t focus on anything because all I want is to get back to being happy. I just want to get back to how we were. Each night I pray to God for a better day. I pray that things will work out and that everything will go back to how they used to be. I know I shouldn’t be praying whenever I only want something but I have no one else left to turn to. My prayers don’t seem to work because each day is something new, a new argument, I find more lies and secrets. Seeing all these things just tears me apart. My heart drops seeing these secrets. I feel as though I am nothing to you. I feel like a complete idiot for thinking that you would never flirt other girls, or message your exes. And the fact that you lie and I already know the truth breaks my heart even more. What did I do to deserve to feel the way that I do? I thought you were different. I thought that you would never do these kinds of things.. but I was wrong. I have never been so hurt. I have never felt so disrespected and unloved.
It was always me that you accused of being unfaithful. You always thought that I talked to my ex whenever it was you all along. Till this day, I know you don’t believe me when I say I never hid anything and I never thought about talking to anyone else but you. I really wish that you could see right through me and know that I am telling the truth.. It hurts to know that the person you love doesn’t believe a word you say and then you find out that they were the one who was doing the things they accused you of.
I know I have had times in this relationship where I have acted a way that I shouldn’t have. I know I’m not perfect. I know that I have caused stupid arguments for no reason. I know that I have hurt you and I am truly sorry for that. But with all my wrongs do i really deserve this punishment?…
Sometimes I wish that I can take the easy way out of hurting so bad. I know it’s bad but suicide sometimes crosses my mind. I don’t know why but sometimes I just get tired of hurting. I get tired of crying and feeling so empty inside. I hate holding the tears back whenever I talk to my parents. I hate pretending to act like I’m okay in front of friends in school. I hate this feeling. Sometimes I just wish I could fall asleep and not wake up in the morning. I guess I’m scared for another day to be hurt.
Am I stupid for not wanting to let you go? Some may think I am but that’s just how much I love you. It isn’t right for me to be able to forgive you everytime you hurt me because then you’ll think you have so much control over me and that you might think you can do anything and I’ll always be there. I will not be weak.
I hope to God that you will no longer lie to me. Because as much as I love you, I don’t think I could put myself through this feeling forever. I really hope that one day I will gain trust in you, I hope we will one day gain trust in each other. I don’t know what is going to happen in the future but I hope that I will still be able to call you mine.. Do you feel the same? Do you care about how I feel? Did you care.. about how I would feel as you were messaging these girls? Did I cross your mind at all? Is your heart really mine? or does it belong to someone else. If you’re not happy being with me and find happiness with the other girls that you talk to then so be it… I can’t control you.
I wish things never got to this point. You say I’d be better off without you but it’s too late for that, you saying that doesn’t mean anything to me because YOU are the one that I always wanted to be with… nobody else. You complete me and just imagining my life without you makes me cry even harder. I didn’t want these things to happen… I don’t want to let you go because you have already become a huge part of me. Something like this I just can’t let it go so easily. I hope one day you’ll realize that I have never once lied to you or tried to hide anything from you. I hope one day you will be open to be about everything and that there would be no secrets between us. I hope that one day we can be happy together again. I hope that this day will come…
